There isn't a "bright" blue scrotum in my book. There's a "glorious blue scrotum". Can you find it?
In this scene, the villain --who is known as The Saurian Dragon-- has decided to convince an alien king Viz-Igerd that his queen is committing spectacular adultery. To that end, he has doctored a radio transmission from the man, Grievous, much as it is alleged Mr John Gibson's remarks were doctored
The Dragon considered. Grievous was a memorable character, and it was dangerous to underestimate an enemy. “The same, I think. But I cannot be positive. Dirty-pink Earthlings all look alike to me.”
“They look like Djinn!” Viz-Igerd agreed, blind drunk. The King seemed struck with the physical similarity. This was not the first time His Majesty had commented. Presumably, the splendid idea of breaking intergalactic law with one of a billion human women had taken root.
“I hope you can still hear me, Your Imperial Highness. I have to say that I would not have thought it of Princess Electra....” Tarrant-Arragon’s man appeared to continue his report without a pause. The editing had been smoothly done. “…There’s no way to put this delicately. I’ve seen it with my own two eyes. Bunking… both of them.”
The Dragon narrowed his eyes, watching Viz-Igerd carefully. The re-use of “bunking” had been a calculated risk. It sounded sufficiently like ‘bonking’ for his seditious purposes.
By now, at least three official transmissions were curving their way around the space-time continuum at different speeds, and in different directions, all making reference to Electra-Djerroldina enjoying unlawful carnal knowledge of someone. Or not. The flow could not be staunched. The only sensible course was to goad Viz-Igerd into such a blind fury that he’d never take a rational moment to consider that ’Rhett would be the more plausible lover.
Other auditors would hear accurate versions, of course. And Viz-Igerd’s mind could always be wiped with Djinncraft, if exploratory mischief-making turned out not to be advantageous.
“Dragon! What is a Fust-er-Cluck?”
That one had obviously been festering in Viz-Igerd’s imagination for some moments.
“Where that human comes from, it means an orgy,” the Dragon mistranslated. “That is, various clumsy sex acts performed in rapid succession, with the greatest excesses condensed into a relatively brief time.”
He glanced at his victim. He refrained from discussing how many participants were required for an authentic orgy, as opposed to a Volnoth “Orgy of State,” where only the King copulated with the Queen, although they both watched multiple goings-on. Amusing as it would be to torment His Majesty, he did have to protect his only son. ’Rhett had to survive. He was the succession plan. ’Rhett would be the next Saurian Dragon, and all the sooner—perhaps— if he wanted to avenge Electra.
Yes, the Queen might have to be sacrificed. However, a show trial without a named co-conspirator might be difficult to orchestrate. Fortunately, he’d identified a satisfactory scapegoat in Prince Thor-quentin. No one cared about Thor-quentin.
“I imagine that your Queen and the vigorous young Great Djinn Prince are thoroughly enjoying the rut-rage.” He turned the screw, while gesturing blandly to the hologram, where the messenger was still speaking, and trying to scrape invisible dirt off his footwear. “It would be Electra-Djerroldina’s first rut-rage, would it not?”
Poor Viz-Igerd, unable to control his embarrassment, was displaying his… displeasure to hear that his queen was creatively fornicating her way to Earth. There was some species of primate on Earth—the name of it would come— that had a boiled-red face that turned redder the angrier it got. It seldom had to fight. The facial reddening was threat enough. Ah, yes! The red uakari. That was it.
Then, there was the ridiculous vervet monkey from somewhere on the African continent, which came with a violent red tallywhacker, shown off to great advantage—to those easily impressed or demoralized by that sort of thing— against a glorious blue scrotum. The Volnoth threat-to-mount had nothing on the vervet for sheer outrageous… cojones.
The Dragon discovered that his urbane finger steepling had turned to pantomime- villain hand rubbing, and stopped himself.
“Anyway, Sir,” Grievous continued, “it seems your sister can’t get it off… without… bunking… Prince Thor-quentin…”
“Bun-King?”
“Need you ask?” The Dragon sighed expressively. He’d never thought of phrasing it quite as Viz-Igerd did, and his unruly mind filled with a crinkly bed of lettuce, three kinds of runny cheese, man-handled meat, and all the trimmings.
“…And, Prince Thor-quentin is proving a right bugger.”
“What is a bugger, Dragon?” Viz-Igerd’s voice sounded choked, which was not altogether surprising, given the way His Majesty was twisting the chain of office around his neck, like a panicked Earthling bureaucrat “social” worker trying to loosen a knotted necktie.
This excerpt is from KNIGHT'S FORK by Rowena Cherry
This is the news video mentioning the monkey with the bright blue scrotum. It seems to be a different species from the vervet.
Sunday, March 1, 2009
Saturday, February 28, 2009
What's in your werewolf poop?
Some of us push the envelope... Some of us push it one bathroom fitting too far, no doubt.
The Male
JA Konrath is going to be on my Crazy Tuesday internet radio show at ten a.m. Eastern Time on March 3rd on the strength --and I found it very strong!-- of his werewolf story S.A. which begins with a most unhappy --but healthy-- gentleman crossing a snowy parking lot, carrying a semi-see-through, blue plastic box containing a large stool sample. In fact, it's not a sample. It's the whole enchilada.
He's taking this vigorous specimen to his doctor because there's something unusual about it. There are coins in it. Now, it's nothing like that health insurance advert where the patient has money coming out of the wazoo, as the western oriental ER surgeon explained when making one of those mandatory predetermination phone calls.
The coins are small change. The doctor's advice about unhealthy midnight snacks is... priceless.
After a thorough rectal exam which brings to light many strange things and leads to some unpalatable conclusions in the mind of our hero, he waddles off to search the internet for clues as to whom he's been eating when the moon is full.
The Animal
Just when I thought I'd read every dragonish permutation of bad people tasting good (or bad), or good people tasting bad (or good), JA Konrath comes up with a fresh twist.
This story is a riot. I laughed out loud three times in the first three pages. Of course, there are certain bathroom words that will make me laugh out loud. One of them is poop.
The would-be sci-fi writer in me appreciated the elegance of JA Konrath's solution as regards mass. The hero has a mind-boggling telephone conversation with a were-squirrel... who collects nuts... and he asks both questions that spring to mind, much to this reader's delight.
I'm not going to tell you what "S.A." means, because I enjoyed guessing for as long as the mystery lasted.
"S.A." can be found in the anthology "Wolfsbane and Mistletoe"
However, I came not to praise J A Konrath, but to talk about craft. Poop struck me as a brilliant place to start, when one is creating a convincing introduction to a bewildered werewolf's world. Done right, starting with the scat is an excellent short cut to world-building.
I'm not a gentle reader. I don't suspend disbelief easily. I'm not programmed to trust my author, no matter how outrageously funny he is. Not at first, anyway.
I can give a turd the benefit of the doubt for several reasons. For a start, the narrator is embarrassed about it. That's believable. He's also frightened. He's not Mike Rowe (of Dirty Jobs), so he's probably not inclined to put it through a sieve. A few details suffice.
If there are bits of teeth, chips of bone, coins, buttons, a crucifix, a clump of dead man's beard... I get the picture. I don't worry about the force of a werewolf's bite, or his stomach capacity, or the inhuman speed of his digestive processes whereby the indigestible evidence of his midnight feast ends up in his morning toilet bowl.
There are a lot of ways you could go with an opening premise such as J A Konrath's. Much would depend on your editor, your length, your genre. If the requirements are heart pounding, action packed, humorous, romantic Horror, for instance, there is a limit to how many Tom Clancy-like factual briefings can be included in a 50 page submission.
I love war room briefings as a plot device!
The werewolf hero's search of the Internet was absolutely convincing to me. As I read (and this might not be such a good thing) I visualized Joe (J is for Joe) googling as if he were his own werewolf. That's the sort of thing I do.
JA Konrath and his new Horror-writing persona, Jack Kilborn, aren't my only guests this coming Tuesday. I shall also be joined by Lori Soard who has at least seven books in four genres in print, and several more books that are out of print. Also, visiting will be Michelle Pillow, who writes in almost every genre under the Paranormal umbrella.
The Male
JA Konrath is going to be on my Crazy Tuesday internet radio show at ten a.m. Eastern Time on March 3rd on the strength --and I found it very strong!-- of his werewolf story S.A. which begins with a most unhappy --but healthy-- gentleman crossing a snowy parking lot, carrying a semi-see-through, blue plastic box containing a large stool sample. In fact, it's not a sample. It's the whole enchilada.
He's taking this vigorous specimen to his doctor because there's something unusual about it. There are coins in it. Now, it's nothing like that health insurance advert where the patient has money coming out of the wazoo, as the western oriental ER surgeon explained when making one of those mandatory predetermination phone calls.
The coins are small change. The doctor's advice about unhealthy midnight snacks is... priceless.
After a thorough rectal exam which brings to light many strange things and leads to some unpalatable conclusions in the mind of our hero, he waddles off to search the internet for clues as to whom he's been eating when the moon is full.
The Animal
Just when I thought I'd read every dragonish permutation of bad people tasting good (or bad), or good people tasting bad (or good), JA Konrath comes up with a fresh twist.
This story is a riot. I laughed out loud three times in the first three pages. Of course, there are certain bathroom words that will make me laugh out loud. One of them is poop.
The would-be sci-fi writer in me appreciated the elegance of JA Konrath's solution as regards mass. The hero has a mind-boggling telephone conversation with a were-squirrel... who collects nuts... and he asks both questions that spring to mind, much to this reader's delight.
I'm not going to tell you what "S.A." means, because I enjoyed guessing for as long as the mystery lasted.
"S.A." can be found in the anthology "Wolfsbane and Mistletoe"
However, I came not to praise J A Konrath, but to talk about craft. Poop struck me as a brilliant place to start, when one is creating a convincing introduction to a bewildered werewolf's world. Done right, starting with the scat is an excellent short cut to world-building.
I'm not a gentle reader. I don't suspend disbelief easily. I'm not programmed to trust my author, no matter how outrageously funny he is. Not at first, anyway.
I can give a turd the benefit of the doubt for several reasons. For a start, the narrator is embarrassed about it. That's believable. He's also frightened. He's not Mike Rowe (of Dirty Jobs), so he's probably not inclined to put it through a sieve. A few details suffice.
If there are bits of teeth, chips of bone, coins, buttons, a crucifix, a clump of dead man's beard... I get the picture. I don't worry about the force of a werewolf's bite, or his stomach capacity, or the inhuman speed of his digestive processes whereby the indigestible evidence of his midnight feast ends up in his morning toilet bowl.
There are a lot of ways you could go with an opening premise such as J A Konrath's. Much would depend on your editor, your length, your genre. If the requirements are heart pounding, action packed, humorous, romantic Horror, for instance, there is a limit to how many Tom Clancy-like factual briefings can be included in a 50 page submission.
I love war room briefings as a plot device!
The werewolf hero's search of the Internet was absolutely convincing to me. As I read (and this might not be such a good thing) I visualized Joe (J is for Joe) googling as if he were his own werewolf. That's the sort of thing I do.
JA Konrath and his new Horror-writing persona, Jack Kilborn, aren't my only guests this coming Tuesday. I shall also be joined by Lori Soard who has at least seven books in four genres in print, and several more books that are out of print. Also, visiting will be Michelle Pillow, who writes in almost every genre under the Paranormal umbrella.
Monday, February 23, 2009
Meet Sir Noel de Servian
Since this blog is Males and other animals, I figure I would show off my newest "male" This is my Sept 21, 2009 release of One Snowy Knight, 3rd in the Dragons of Challon series.
The guy on the cover is so much like my hero it's rather spooky!
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
The Tea Project
When you open a cabinet and boxes of tea fall out, you know it's time. Somepeople clean their office (which I should do, but that's not my point here) and others their kitchen, but this year, I'm going to clear out my tea collection.
It didn't start out to be a tea collection … it was just tea that wehappened to have a lot of. But I realized that we had had some of that tea since we lived in Brooklyn — and we moved to Seattle in 1989. Yes, that'ssome mighty old tea! So if nothing else, if my office continues to look likea sty, if my kitchen … no, actually, I keep the kitchen pretty clean, that's not a problem … I will do this one thing this year for my home. I will drink all of the tea already in my home and actually end up with no tea that's notactually from this century in my cabinet.
Inspired by this idea, I started a little early, guzzling tea during thegreat snowstorms of December 2008, polishing off three types by the end of the year. (It was cold, and the weather was dreary. But you've already heard allabout that.) There were several boxes of tea that hadn't been opened, even, and I know I bought one particular one at a little shop in Bay Ridge, in Brooklyn. There was also a box of "Chinese-style tea," and that's how it was described on the box, complete with quote marks. Not the greatest, but it's gone, it's done, go 'way now. I also have no idea where I picked that up. I can see now that drinking through all this stuff is going to be tea paleontology of sorts.
Currently I'm drinking Twinings green tea. Not bad, but not great -- but I'm picky about my green tea. There's a liver detox tea and then a morning-pick-me-up tea that's next on my list. I'm not really looking forward to something that claims to be a liver detox tea, but hey, that's the point of this"Tea Project." If it's there, it will be drunk. And no, I have no recollection when the liver detox stuff came into the house and snuck into my tea cabinet.
And that's it. None of this is earth-shattering, but I suspect it may inspire a few of you out there to go look at your own tea cabinet. Little by little the tea in my house will all be drunk. And at the end of the year I will reward myself with something amazing, maybe even some Queen Anne tea from Fortnum & Mason, a lovely English breakfast tea. But not until the end of the year!
Eilis Flynn
www.eilisflynn.com
ECHOES OF PASSION, coming in 2009
It didn't start out to be a tea collection … it was just tea that wehappened to have a lot of. But I realized that we had had some of that tea since we lived in Brooklyn — and we moved to Seattle in 1989. Yes, that'ssome mighty old tea! So if nothing else, if my office continues to look likea sty, if my kitchen … no, actually, I keep the kitchen pretty clean, that's not a problem … I will do this one thing this year for my home. I will drink all of the tea already in my home and actually end up with no tea that's notactually from this century in my cabinet.
Inspired by this idea, I started a little early, guzzling tea during thegreat snowstorms of December 2008, polishing off three types by the end of the year. (It was cold, and the weather was dreary. But you've already heard allabout that.) There were several boxes of tea that hadn't been opened, even, and I know I bought one particular one at a little shop in Bay Ridge, in Brooklyn. There was also a box of "Chinese-style tea," and that's how it was described on the box, complete with quote marks. Not the greatest, but it's gone, it's done, go 'way now. I also have no idea where I picked that up. I can see now that drinking through all this stuff is going to be tea paleontology of sorts.
Currently I'm drinking Twinings green tea. Not bad, but not great -- but I'm picky about my green tea. There's a liver detox tea and then a morning-pick-me-up tea that's next on my list. I'm not really looking forward to something that claims to be a liver detox tea, but hey, that's the point of this"Tea Project." If it's there, it will be drunk. And no, I have no recollection when the liver detox stuff came into the house and snuck into my tea cabinet.
And that's it. None of this is earth-shattering, but I suspect it may inspire a few of you out there to go look at your own tea cabinet. Little by little the tea in my house will all be drunk. And at the end of the year I will reward myself with something amazing, maybe even some Queen Anne tea from Fortnum & Mason, a lovely English breakfast tea. But not until the end of the year!
Eilis Flynn
www.eilisflynn.com
ECHOES OF PASSION, coming in 2009
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Not a lot to do with males or animals
http://www.amazonclicks.com/Allwinners.html
I am absolutely thrilled that Knight's Fork received enough votes to win the award, and I'd like to thank all the authors who voted.
Thank you!
Rowena Cherry
Monday, January 5, 2009
Romance Junkies Valentine's Contest
http://www.romancejunkies.com/contests.html
Romance Junkies Valentine's Contetst - in my entry
winner will receive set of my books and this lovely
Romance Junkies Valentine's Contetst - in my entry
winner will receive set of my books and this lovely
sterling silver bracelet.
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
For the month:
Finished: Novella. It's true what they say, PLOTTING IS GOOD! Should do that more in 2009.
Do: Make some effort to holiday-ize the house. We did! We put up our minitree and dug out our Meowy Christmas Cats Caroling wreath, since clearly we have no shame or embarrassment left.
Plan: Gift purchases for THIS year. Sent out. At least some. Better a few than none!
And since this worked better than I thought it would, for the coming year:
Do: Two shorts and two novels. At least plotting. I could get to like this novella business, too. But it all requires more plotting than I'm used to. Guess I'll get used to it.
Straighten: Office. Seriously, when you have to pick your way throughthe space to get to the computer, it's time to clean and eradicate and straighten. And speaking of computer...
Replace: Computer. Sadly, my 1998 iMac is no longer up to thechallenge of modern-day requirements. It's been a good one, though. Time to do research. Technology has never been something I see eye-to-eye with, so this will be particularly challenging.
Launch: New website. It's up, but not quite done -- a few tweaks needed that my webhost, Bill Hibler, is addressing. The Hub and I have known Bill and his wife for many years, so I have full confidence that I'll be asking many stupid questions. It's that tech thing again. Check out http://www.eilisflynn.com/, and get a glimpse of what's coming in the new year. If nothing else, I have all those eNotes articles I want to put up there. At last count it was something like 60.
Happy new year!
Eilis Flynn
http://www.eilisflynn.com/, eilisflynn.livejournal.com, eilisflynn.blogspot.com
ECHOES OF PASSION, coming in 2009
Finished: Novella. It's true what they say, PLOTTING IS GOOD! Should do that more in 2009.
Do: Make some effort to holiday-ize the house. We did! We put up our minitree and dug out our Meowy Christmas Cats Caroling wreath, since clearly we have no shame or embarrassment left.
Plan: Gift purchases for THIS year. Sent out. At least some. Better a few than none!
And since this worked better than I thought it would, for the coming year:
Do: Two shorts and two novels. At least plotting. I could get to like this novella business, too. But it all requires more plotting than I'm used to. Guess I'll get used to it.
Straighten: Office. Seriously, when you have to pick your way throughthe space to get to the computer, it's time to clean and eradicate and straighten. And speaking of computer...
Replace: Computer. Sadly, my 1998 iMac is no longer up to thechallenge of modern-day requirements. It's been a good one, though. Time to do research. Technology has never been something I see eye-to-eye with, so this will be particularly challenging.
Launch: New website. It's up, but not quite done -- a few tweaks needed that my webhost, Bill Hibler, is addressing. The Hub and I have known Bill and his wife for many years, so I have full confidence that I'll be asking many stupid questions. It's that tech thing again. Check out http://www.eilisflynn.com/, and get a glimpse of what's coming in the new year. If nothing else, I have all those eNotes articles I want to put up there. At last count it was something like 60.
Happy new year!
Eilis Flynn
http://www.eilisflynn.com/, eilisflynn.livejournal.com, eilisflynn.blogspot.com
ECHOES OF PASSION, coming in 2009
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Nice surprise!
A few days ago, I got email from Mark I. West, famed children's literature professor and editor of a number of volumes on the same, saying that Japanification of Children's Popular Culture had been published from Scarecrow Publishing. This pleased me because about four years ago, when he pitched the idea to his editor at Scarecrow (originally conceived as a tribute to the 50th anniversary of Godzilla), he asked me to write an essay on the topic (I don't have a copy yet, so I don't know exactly how many contributors Mark ended up with).
After some thought, I came up with "Two Worlds, United by Anime," about the anime and manga I read and watched when I was a kid growing up in Japan, and then about the anime I watched when we came back to the States. Then the way these things go, I sent it in and promptly forgot about it. I was happy to read that it had finally been published, and now I can't wait to see how it turned out. Take a look!
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Solstice greetings
I work with someone whose birthday is on the Solstice, so let me say firstly: Happy birthday, Karen! I remind her that without her birthday being celebrated we can't have longer days.
Snow is appropriate for this time of year, no matter how much I complain. So far we have something like eight or nine inches, and since this is Seattle, that's messy business being near or on a hill. No newspaper -- not a surprise, considering the awkward series of steps necessary to deliver one; if there's a problem anywhere, either from the printers to the distributors to the dealers to the delivery guys, there is no paper on our doorstep. There's a good reason why newspapers are endangered.
But there's enough to look at. Everytime we look outside, there's another flurry of snowflakes. Once in a while there are folks braving the elements, either on foot or in a vehicle, chained and moving slowly (well, chained if they're in a vehicle, but everyone's moving slowly). None of them look happy. And I surely don't blame them for that. We're not used to icy cold temps and snow around here. I've run into more than a couple of locals who're from Southern California, who moved here because they thought this was a mild climate. They shiver a lot. The sensible ones don't drive. But since the buses don't move most of the time in this weather, they end up waiting and shivering a LOT, poor people.
But how often do we get a white Christmas around here? Not often. And I'd like to keep it that way!
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Thunder and snow
That's a combination I haven't run into before, or at least if I have, I don't remember. We had thunder and snow occur a few hours ago. I woke up at 3:30 am -- Fido was persistent in wanting food, and even though I didn't give him any (I mean, isn't 5 am early enough for him to have breakfast?? Really??), went down to check my email when I couldn't get to sleep, and soon enough I heard a sound I assumed was a very large truck going down the street. Nope. Thunder and snow. And it's been snowing since.
If I wasn't on deadline at The DayJob, I wouldn't think twice about not going in. But deadline's next Monday ... I have articles to look over and figure out how to fill a few empty pages ... and I probably should go in later. But once it's light out, and maybe once the snow stops. If the buses come; it's only three miles, but it can be a messy three miles to walk (I've done it in snow and in rain. It can be wet and cold and slippery, as you can imagine).
This is the kind of day to stay at home and read. If you have that option!
Eilis Flynn
ECHOES OF PASSION, coming next year
Sunday, December 14, 2008
People are outside playing in the snow
Weirdoes. *shiver*
They should be inside reading!
Eilis Flynn
INTRODUCING SONIKA, on sale now
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Porta-Potties to the left of me, Porta-Potties to the right of me
Why Porta-Potties? Well, you see, the city is doing its maintenance thing in my neighborhood, and so far, the workers have taken over all available parking, cut off water once when they cut into the wrong pipe (they're working on updating the gas lines), broken a hydrant so I came home to gushing water running down the street, covered their holes with large, awkward steel plates, and covered everything with a fine grit, which since this is Seattle has combined with the rain that comes with this season, making everything, well, icky.
It's the Potties that make me crazy, though. There are two of them on my block. They're not even color-coordinated, since one is this institutional green and the other is this flat, faded peach. Not just one. TWO. We are truly blessed. I know this is all temporary, and the Porta-Potties and the spare pipes tossed around and abandoned and the other things just dumped in places randomly will be gone before I can complain too much longer (can you sense the hope in my words? Yeah, I couldn't either).
But in the meantime, in this season of happiness and joy, I'm tempted to decorate the Potties with some Christmas decorations, just to perk them up a little.
Eilis Flynn
ECHOES OF PASSION, on sale next year
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